Power and Authority – The great balancing act
I recently wrote a blog, that turned into a booklet, called “Winning the husband game”. In it I use sport as an analogy for being a husband and that in order to win the husband game you need to:
1. Know the rules.
2. Play by the rules.
I have subsequently been asked to write something for wives. My initial response was that I am not a wife, so I don’t want to mansplain what that is, but in retrospect I do have some thoughts and insights.
What is Marriage?
Before I look at the role of a wife in a marriage, I want to briefly look at marriage itself. For centuries marriage has been clearly defined, and the roles, responsibilities and obligations have been non-negotiable and irrefutable.
In the western world there are 2 components to a marriage:
1. The civil union.
2. The covenant.
The civil union is a legal contract that will stand up in court and is primarily entered into to protect all involved, including children. It is done before a notary and witnesses and is signed.
The covenant is verbal and is before God and witnesses.
Now, if you have a sport like cricket or baseball, there are basic fundamentals that make them what they are. If you change the fundamentals, then it is no longer cricket or baseball. You have the right to change the fundamentals, but then you have to call it something else. You cannot change the fundamentals and insist that others call it by its original name. For you to do that would make you a Fascist.
Marriage is the same. You cannot change it and call it the same. The moment you change the fundamentals it is no longer a marriage.
A marriage is a covenant between one man and one woman.
The role of the wife
You cannot understand the role of the wife, or the role of the husband, unless you are convinced that they are equal. If you do not grasp the perfect equality in the union, then you will always struggle to understand how it works.
To understand the role of the wife you have to understand how power and authority are balanced. There is equality, and the equilibrium of the equality is in the balance of the power and the authority.
Balancing power and authority
The best way to understand what these are and how they operate, is to understand how they are exercised.
Exercising power:
To use manipulation, threats, and intimidation to force others to do your will.
Exercising Authority:
Honouring the other person and their free will and offering them choices with consequences.
Once again it is important to understand that for a marriage to work there has to be equal power and authority, and they have to be balanced. The balance is this:
– The wife has the power, and the husband has the authority.
– The wife has all the power, and the husband has all the authority.
Power is the domain of the wife, and authority is the domain of the husband.
The wife operates in the sphere of power, and the husband operates in the sphere of authority.
The Marriage Rules
Husbands: Love your wives.
The moment I am commanded (not suggested or given the option) to lay down my life for my wife, I give her all the power. The consequence of a husband loving his wife is that he gives her the power.
Wives: Submit to your husbands.
There would be no need for submission if the wife did not have the power.
What does submission really mean?
– The answer: Don’t use your power against your husband.
Most women think that if they do what they think their husbands want then they are in submission. That is not submission.
Submission means –
– You do not use your power against your husband.
– You stop telling him what to do.
– You stop manipulating him into doing what you want.
My advice to wives
Because your husband loves you, that means that everything in his being is focused on you and what you need, and even what you want. There is a HUGE difference between telling your husband what you want and telling him what to do.
If you tell your husband what you want he will move heaven and earth to give it to you.
If you tell your husband what to do he will ignore you.
You cannot tell your husband what to do!
If you tell him what to do then you assume the responsibility for the task. If you tell him what you want then you give him the responsibility.
One of the most common complaints I have heard from wives over the years is that her husband will not grow up. He seems to be a perpetual child. If that is your situation then it is probably the result of him being told what to do.
Who is the person who told him what to do for the majority of his life? His mother!
If you tell him what to do you make him a boy again. If that is the case then don’t complain that he won’t grow up.
In the family
How does this work out in the family?
Once again it comes down to the roles mothers and fathers play in the life of the child.
The mother’s primary role is to birth and to nurture. The father’s primary role is to give their child an identity and to set them on their path into life.
The mother exercises power over the children, and the father exercises authority.
In the early stages of a child’s life they need to be told what to do. This is the sphere of the mother. Even though the mother exercises power, children instinctively know that mom has power, but dad has authority. What is the ultimate power that a mother has? “Wait until your father gets home.”
The power is given to the nurturer.
Power to Authority
The great challenge of parenting is managing the gradual transitioning from power to authority. There comes a time when the child is no longer told what to do, but they are given options and a choice, and then held accountable for their choice. This is where the father begins to play the primary role.
Exercising power keeps the child immature, but exercising authority helps the child mature.
The moment a woman exercises authority or a man exercises power there is abuse.
Back to the beginning
We all know the story of the garden of Eden.
What was the first sin?
Many think that the sin was that Adam ate the fruit. That is incorrect. Adam eating the fruit was a consequence of the first sin. The first sin was that Eve used her power against her husband.