What do you want? A man or a Ken?
What do you need? A man or a Ken?
I have not watched the 2023 Barbie movie, but I have watched enough reviews, both positive and negative, to understand the story, and I am going to be using it as an illustration for this article.
This is the latest in a series on this topic, and if you read the previous blogs it will give you a better context – https://dougjohnson.biz/category/dougs-blog/
In previous blogs I have looked at the power that you as a wife have in the marriage relationship, so let me start by making this statement:
The ultimate power that a you have is to choose whether you want to be married to a boy or a man, or to put it in Barbie terms, a Ken or a man.
The choice is yours, and the outcome is up to you. Your choice, and your behaviour based on that choice, will determine whether you end up with a Ken or a man.
Happiness
One of the most frequent observations I see made these days is: Women are so unhappy.
There are many reasons why this could be true, but here are two:
Happiness does not come from getting, it comes from giving.
Happiness does not come from receiving, it comes from achieving.
I am not a marathon runner, but I do understand why people run marathons. It goes way beyond the health and fitness aspects, and it is more about setting goals, sacrificing, and achieving. The sense of achievement produces a sense of well-being and happiness that are exhilarating.
The approach to being a happy wife is no different. You are asking the same questions: What do I want to achieve? What is the long-term goal? What am I prepared to forgo to get there? The choice you have is actually simple: What are you prepared to sacrifice?
Here is a truism: Women want a Ken, but they need a man, and they will never be happy with a Ken.
Have you ever thought, asked, observed, or verbalised any of the following:
- He cares more about his mother than me.
- He can’t, or doesn’t want to, make decisions.
- My husband’s mother has too much power over him.
- He acts just like a teenager.
- He never seems to take responsibility.
- He is just a big boy.
- He blames everyone or everything else for his situation.
- I thought I had 2 kids, but I actually have 3.
- When is he going to grow up?
If you have, then I think the following will help you understand what is happening. There are some key truths that need to be understood.
Key Truths
Truth 1: Mothers produce boys.
Mothers cannot produce men. Mothers are designed to nurture, and although nurturing plays a vital role in any boy’s life, it does not produce a man.
Truth 2: Fathers produce men.
The father’s role is to help their sons discover their identity and point them in the right direction, and set them on their path to life. The father’s role is to set their son up on the journey to becoming a man. Absent fathers leave a generation of boys who do not become men.
Truth 3: Wives produce men.
Wives play a vital role in their husbands becoming men. Wives pick up where fathers have left off, and help their husbands on their journey to becoming a man.
The key role of the wife
Let me unpack this.
I have asked this question many times: Why is marriage so difficult?
I asked it because I thought I had the answer and could therefore help people understand why. There are obviously many reasons for this, but one of the reasons is that the outcome is the opposite of what we signed up for. What we get is very different from what we expected.
Every woman who is about to get married thinks: “He’s alright. He will do. Needs a bit of work, but give me some time and I will have him in shape.”
Every man who is about to get married thinks: “She’s perfect! At least I am not marrying someone with issues.”
The reality:
- The last thing she wants to do is take her hands off and not interfere with his growth.
- The last thing he wants to do is be saddled with the responsibility of helping her tackle her issues.
What has changed in my understanding? Thing that has changed is this: I used to think that a wife played no role in her husband’s growth, and that any interference would create problems. I now think that the wife has a vital role to play in her husband’s growth, and that she just needs to understand her role.
I used to say: Ladies, leave him alone. He needs to grow into a man at his own pace.
I now say: Ladies, there is an important role you have to play to help him grow into a man.
When a woman marries, she is actually marrying a combination of a boy and a man. He is a man/boy hybrid, or a man/Ken crossbreed. The percentage of man vs boy will differ, but the probability of her marrying a 100% man is miniscule.
In fact, he does not know this, but one of the reasons he married you is so that you can help him become a man. It is a journey you take together. It is a journey he can’t make without you. What is the greatest incentive for a man/boy to get married? It is so that he can grow into a man. The eventual man/boy percentage is determined by you. You might not even understand the choice, but that does not make it less real.
Big Mistake
What is the biggest mistake that wives make? They subconsciously realise that they have a role to play, but they play they wrong role. They try a replace his mother.
You cannot compete with his mother by being a mother or acting like a mother. A wife is a wife, and a mother is a mother, and the quicker you as a wife understand this the quicker things change. What is the key difference?
- A mother has power that she exercises over her son.
- A wife has power that she refuses to exercise over her husband.
I will probably unpack this on a more practical level in later blogs, but I will point out the role of the wife in helping her husband grow into a man is to understand how she uses her power, how she understands and balances power and authority, and how she addresses the issue of responsibility.
Husband Equation
Wife with power helping her husband grow in responsibility = A MAN.
Wife with power taking responsibility onto herself = A KEN.
Definition of submission: Letting go of the need to take responsibility
You already have the power. You don’t need more of that. The sacrifice you need to make in order to have a man is to let go of the responsibility.
The Journey
The privilege and intrigue of the married life is that it is a life of mistakes and grace, trial and error. The greatest obstacle to success is ignorance.
Will he get it right all the time? NO!
Will he make mistakes? YES!
Will he overreach and become “abusive”? Probably!
Will the end result be worth it? DEFINITELY!
One of the things I am most grateful for to my wife is that she has been really helpful to me on my journey to becoming a man. I am 70 next birthday, and I am starting to get there.
Seriously ladies! Kens are fun for 20 minutes, but a real man will provide you with everything you dreamed of deep, deep inside, and will give you a sense of well-being and achievement that cannot be found anywhere else in life.
You need to choose!